Horrible Cruel Irony…

Wow.  Long time since I last wrote.  And so much has happened since then.  Not much of it good.

Harley and me have always been a closely guarded secret.  But a couple of weeks ago a friend saw some texts from me to him on his mobile phone, and questions started to be being asked.  It’s been really difficult as we have always publicly maintained a “just friends” front.  The reason for this is that there is a lifestyle and age difference that most people wouldn’t understand.  Which just goes to show how closed-minded my friends are to think that a age gap of 14 years is not something that can be overcome or ever have a hope in hell of working out.  That and the fact that Harley and I know that this can never be a “forever” thing – it just wouldn’t work.  Anyway.  So text messages were seen, and suspicions aroused, questions asked.  All very uncomfortable.  We played everything down, but I’m not totally convinced that our friends are totally convinced.

Things have started to calm down a bit, and Harley and I have had to have a long chat about “us” and whether we should keep things as they are or cool them off.  Neither of us want this to end, so I think for the time being we’re staying as we are, but I don’t know…

Then on Tuesday Green decides to add to my current stresses by announcing that he is breaking up with his girlfriend Doris saying “with all the rumours about you and Harley I’m confused about sh*t and I need time to think”.  I feel must fill in some background information here by mentioning that Green has been in love with me for about 6 months, and has asked me out on several occasions.  Unfortunately I only see him as a friend.  It seems that the “rumours” about me and Harley are upsetting him due to his feelings about me.  Which is insane because he’s supposed to be really into Doris.  He’s confused???!!!  I bloody am!!

Needless to say I have been thinking about me and Harley a lot recently, questioning if our relationship really gives me everything I need right now.  The horrible cruel irony of it all is that I have successfully fallen completely in love with a man that seems like my Mr Perfect, and is someone who in a parallel universe I am all set to marry and spend the rest of my life with.  In this particular universe, we are too many worlds apart for that to ever happen.  We can’t even share our happiest together with our friends and families.  Cruel world that I should fall in love with The One I can’t have…

Sibling Rivalry

My brother graduated today. With a first! I always knew he would. He’s worked hard for it and I’m so proud of him I could burst! I have spent the last few weeks telling anyone who would listen how smart my younger brother is.

My brother and I have always had a bit of competitiveness between us. He’s three years younger than me, and has always been determined to out-do me at every given opportunity. He started learning to drive, pasted his driving test before me. He has had two cars in the time that I’ve had none. He is now talking about buying a brand new car! He went to Uni, I didn’t. He has a really good job straight out of Uni. His starting wage is significantly more than I’m on now after seven years of working full-time. He’s talking of moving out from our parents as soon as he starts his full-time job – something I didn’t manage for 5 years!

Am I jealous? If I’m honest, a little… But of course I feel guilty for feeling jealous. He is my brother, and I should be supportive of him. I am supportive of him. I know he’s going to be ludicrously successful, and I know he’s going to give me plenty more reasons to be jealous. I know he’ll buy a house, get married and have a family long before I ever do.

Maybe I should be flattered? Maybe I’m the benchmark that my brother aims to beat? Maybe I should use my own slight jealousy as inspiration to kick-start my own life so that I can give him a few reasons to be jealous.?

I don’t think sibling rivarly is a bad thing. I think that it is healthy as it encourages ambition and achievement. As long as it’s a healthy competitiveness of course… I can see how for some it could become an all-consuming unhealthy obsession, but I don’t think for that most would.

What do you think? Is it ok to use your sibling’s achievements to spur on your competitive side an make you achieve?

What a difference a few days make

On Friday I was waxing lyrical about the loving virtues of Harley. And I still stand by what I said. But…

On Sunday I went to a meeting for a project we are both working on. Part way through the meeting, I offered to make tea for everyone, and Harley offered to give me a hand. When we got to the kitchen, I asked him for a hug. All I got for my troubles was a peck on the cheek. When I asked him later why no hug, he said he “didn’t realise he hadn’t hugged” me. I mean, please.

It’s hard for me to be cross with him cos I know that between work and family life he’s under a lot of pressure at the moment. But surely as his girlfriend, I’m supposed to be the light relief from all that?! Maybe I’m an added pressure. Who knows. He doesn’t really talk about it all much. And when he does, he goes from “it’s really getting me down” to “I’m fine, honest”. He’s not fine. I don’t believe him. But all the time he insists he is, I can’t help! Aarrgghh! Men are so frustrating…

Absence is good

It seems that absence really does make heart grow fonder.

A week and a half, and I was beginning to think that maybe the fizz was starting to wear off. The kiss that greeted me as I answered the door and the butterflies that leapt in my stomach proved me wrong.

Two hrs of watching a film, but instead doing everything but. It still surprises me how he is with me. It is the stuff of movies. Ever watched a film and marveled at the way the lead man kisses and touches his leading lady? It’s like that, and better. I have never had a man make me feel so worshipped. Like I’m the most beautiful, special woman on earth. Every touch, look, kiss filled with love and respect. This man is truely one of a kind.

Every cloud has a silver lining…

The sky over the city turn a wonderful silver-purple-grey colour… just moments before it started raining. With the sun shining making all the buildings bright against a forboding back drop, for a moment this grey and often ugly city looked stunning. Like a watercolour painted with affection and drama. It took me by surprise for a few moments. I wonder, if you can slow down and step out of the stress and the rush of modern life, can you always find simple things of beauty? Things that make you stop and appreciate the wonder of your surroundings?

When I was younger and still living at home, my Mum and I had jobs in the same town. This was extremely handy as it meant I could get a lift to work with her. She would drive, and listen to Radio 2, commenting through out the seasons about how dramatically a shaft of light was shining through those trees, or how amazing the bluebells growing by the side of the road were, or how beautiful it is to drive down a road that is lined with trees bursting with colour and autumn leaves. I meanwhile would be sleeping. I resented getting out of bed so early to go to a crummy job I hated, so I wasn’t going to waste an opportunity to get some more zzzzzs.
Perhaps I did miss out though. Maybe even though I hated my job, I would have found more pleasure in my day if I had been less self-centre and more aware of the world that didn’t just revolve around me.

Tonight is my evening with Harley. I can’t wait. I don’t even mind that it’s tipping it down with rain, and I’ll be doing a convincing impression of a drowned rat by the time I get home. I don’t care that my hair will be plastered to my head, and that my make-up streaks will be an impressive look-a-like of Kiss’s. I know how amazing it’ll feel to be wrapped up in his warm arms, too allow myself to vunerable and let him be all manly and caring and protective. Just for a short while. On my terms.

Loud and Brassy, or Quiet and Subtle?

As I left the office this evening I found myself waking behind a lady who looked like she was trying very hard to emulate Sarah Jessica Parker. Even if she couldn’t quite pull it off, I admire her boldness to wear an outfit, that for me would come under the “fabulous but scary” category. And therefore by definition would be often thought of and just often discarded due to lack of courage. We were walking past a bar where lots of people had spilled out onto the street. She spotted a couple guys in easy view, and as we drew level immediately adopted a hip swinging strut. My reaction was to role my eyes at the predictability of it. And the guys gave the lady exactly what she wanted and stared appreciatively.

But the thing is which one of us is right? I am single and feeling pretty unattractive at the moment, very much missing the male attention I always used to get, with no effort or hip swinging struts required. I find it cheap and attention seeking of the kind that rarely attracts men worth bothering with. Or has Miss SJP-wannabe got it right? Should you flaunt it whenever, wherever? And just enjoy whatever attention it brings. Perhaps on the basis that it’s all confidence boosting, and more attention you attract the more likely you’ll attract the men you want.

In the interest of science, perhaps an experiment is in order. For one week, flaunt, flirt, and turn on the man eater charm and see what happens.

"I can’t wait. I promise to seduce you. Make it up to you. Promise. xxxx"

That was the text message that popped up on my phone. I couldn’t help but smile, if a little sceptically. It’s been over a week since I’ve seen Harley, and in that time, contact between us has been the odd text message of a day. This is all down to him rather than me. Something has shifted. It used to me telling him what days I was free, and now it seems to be him telling which day is the only day he can “squeeze me in”. But still. His text at least makes me feel a bit better. At least I know he’s not bored with me, even after 9 months. It’s not his fault his life is so hectic at the moment. And aside from that his text suggests that I’m on a promise!
One of the many reasons why I can’t get enough of this man is the way he looks at me, kisses me, touches me. He makes me feel like a million dollars. Like I’m the most gorgeous precious sexy creature on the planet. Our relationship has always been doomed from the outset, can never progress beyond its current state, and will end at some point sooner rather than later, but I am completely addicted to him and how I feel when I’m with him. Is that a bad thing? Probably. But there never has been, and I suspect never will be, anyone like him.